lydiascreams | [015. They say "you're a freak" when we're having fun.]

[015. They say "you're a freak" when we're having fun.]

[Video - Public]
[She has debated making this video not public for the entire Barge. Mostly, she'd debated whether or not to filter out the damn vampire. But as far as she knows, she's safe to just make it public without risking leaving someone else out, too since he's still at the infirmary. Besides, he'd be really damn stupid to try something when most, if not all of the Barge is up there.

Lydia's face is brighter than it's been when she shows up on video. Mostly because of what she's planning on doing after her public announcement but also because she owes it to Needy to make this amazing. She deserves to have a great party and Lydia will so everything in her power to deliver her just that. She is known for throwing the best parties in Beacon Hills after all.]

Hello Barge!

I know we've had a couple of rocky weeks with a flood and lots of drama, but that's not what this is about.

I'm sure most of you have met Needy by now. She has a birthday coming up and we're celebrating it! This will be a full on party, there will be drinks, food and music. We're still deciding on a location*, but I will let everyone know as soon as we pick one.

The party is happening on the 19th, that is this coming Friday and we are getting started around eight.

I expect to see everyone there. Don't make me send people to come drag you from your cabin because I will! [And that might be especially for you, Peter. And maybe a few others who might need nudging.]

[*OOC: The party will be on the CES, I won't make another post to announce this, but assume your characters got a notification about it later in the week!]

[Private Video - Blight]
That includes you, Mr. Powers. Even if I have to talk to your warden myself.

[Private Video - Stiles]
[She switches the feed off and takes a deep breath. She's not nervous so much except-- she kind of is? It's a lot of pressure considering what she's about to do, who this is and the fact that she basically never had to do this before. Guys usually just come begging her for dates and eventually, she says yes if she feels like it. She's never had to ask someone else out. Not that she's asking so much... she really doesn't think she needs to.]

You heard that, right?

[Spam - Jerry and later Bucky]
[She has a lot to do. She wants the party to be absolutely perfect and she still needs to find a location for it. So far, she's considering the deck because of view, but she knows not everyone appreciates a reminder that they are out in space, so she is also considering the CES.

Right now, it will all depend on what she can find in the CES the day of the party and if it's doable or not, but she fact that it's locked and inmates like Jerry would need a Warden to let them in and she knows no one would willingly. They are all wardens for a reason, right?

Right now, she has notes on her phone of what she needs to get and what she needs to do, and she's checking them over and adding materials to make lanterns. Either way, she will need them. She might check what she can find in the art room with Ben. She might have to just request something from the Admiral.]

[Video - Pack Filter]
[OOC: Later in the day, after she is attacked by Jerry.]

This is mostly for Scott, Isaac, Kira and Erica. I just want to give you guys the heads up that I had to draw a Mountain Ash line on my door so if you wanna come to my cabin, let me know first so I can break it. I don't want any of you to get hurt.

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Oh, I saw your message. [She's immune to your sarcasm, Mr. Powers. She pretty much lives with Stiles.]

I still don't have an actual, good reason.

I'm actually mildly disappointed I have to lay it out for you, Ms. Martin.

[He sounds more dead tired than disappointed though. And he switches over so she can get a visual.

He doesn't have any of his fake skin on, and considering he's virtually only ever worn suits around the Barge before, the fact that he's in sweats now might come across as mildly jarring.

Standing with his back to the window in his room he rolls up his sleeves and pointedly holds up one of his arms to the camera so she can get a reminding look.]

I forget if you're one of the people I've talked about this with before. So pardon me if I repeat myself. I wasn't born this way. I got these...powers from an accident. It happened about a year ago. But until this time I've been...living with it, in a sense of denial. Telling myself that a cure would be found eventually, that I wouldn't be stuck living this way. That I wouldn't have to deal with this forever.

[He hesitates, and his composure is less solid in his voice as he goes on.]

Somewhere between my unfortunate mishap with my erstwhile lover and this last flood ending, though, it finally hit me. I'm hot to the touch, can accidentally melt things if I'm not careful, can't taste or smell as well as I used to, have trouble sleeping because I see through my own eyelids, can't see my own face in the mirror anymore - and a dozen or so other things I won't waste your time naming. And this is going to be what I have to deal with every day for the rest of my life. I'm a permanent cast member of the Gotham freakshow, now. There is no going back.

[She's seen him without the fake skin before, so that doesn't shock her so much. His clothes, though, along with the cigarettes she's seen him smoking, she knows it's bad. Probably-- worse than bad. He's not doing well at all.

She listens, but as he talks, she already knows he's wrong.]

But there is, Mr. Powers. [Lydia shakes her head and sits up, all playfulness gone from her features, she's concerned.]

I rely heavily on science for-- everything. And I imagine that this cure you've been searching for, as well as your accident are at least related to science, from what I know about you.

Unfortunately, Science lets us down sometimes. But even then, there are other ways. That's why I'm here. Because the supernatural or whatever kind of magic the Admiral uses, it can change things not even science can touch. And you may be an inmate now, but-- when you graduate, you can make a deal of your own. You can ask for the Admiral for a cure, or for the accident to never happen and you can change things.

You're not the first person to try telling me that.

[His voice is muted, far from eagerly latching onto the hopes she's trying to offer him.]

Do I need a third one to confirm this so you start believing this is a possibility?

[She just worries, but she knows it's the truth, that it can be done.]

I know I could - potentially - get a deal, Ms. Martin.

But that would require graduating first. Not to mention a willingness to come back to work as a warden. Neither of which I see happening any time soon. And I-

[He cuts himself off, taking a space to stare at his own hands for a bit, silent and face crestfallen.]

...It's either one thing, or it's the other. Part of the reason this has been so hard for me is that I wasted an entire year holding out hope for an impossible fix. Trying to use a possible miracle as the leverage to get me out of this current slump, that...it feels like backpedaling.

I don't know.

Don't they say time freezes while we're here? So it doesn't matter how long it takes. You will still have the same amount of time you did when you left, regardless of how long you're here.

And since you still have time to decide, you don't have to worry so much about it now. [Lydia hesitates for a second.]

I'm sorry it just hit you like this though, I really am.

Welcome to the club. [He gives a sad and very weak chuckle. Leaning back a bit he sits on the window's edge, bracing himself with the flat of both hands.]

Everyone is trying to be so...understanding, about this. It wasn't quite what I expected.

[She cocks her head, his response isn't really what she's expecting, either.]

What were you expecting?

People telling me that I deserved this. That I'd earned it. That I needed to get over myself.

[He smirks harshly.]

I'm one of the criminals here, remember? One of the penned-in wolves, found guilty and sentenced in the mind of some unseen pompous blowhard who fancies himself an Admiral. Why should I expect to have any good things left to me? Why should I be given any rights?

[Her eyes narrow a little at his smirk, but she lets them talk. When he's done, she leans forward, eyes on the camera.]

Do you see yourself penned-in anywhere? Locked up in a place like Zero? Aside from a few restricted areas -- which you can still go in, just with someone's help -- your life on the ship is pretty much the same as ours. We're not here to punish you, or judge you for what you have done. We're here to help you. To remind you how much better you can be.

Better is subjective. [He doesn't snap this so much as it falls from lips out of habit.]

That's not the point right now though. The point is, sympathy can feel like pity, and I'm not used to receiving either. And I'm not used to feeling this way in general at all; I don't get depressed.

But there aren't a lot of other emotions left for me to feel, now that this weight has finally settled. Panic and despair have a little go at me, every time I look in the mirror now.

It's a part of the process. If getting-- if change was easy, if you didn't have to work through your issues, there wouldn't be a need for this place or us.

You're human, Mr. Powers. [And she hates using a name so formal with him still, but she will respect his wish.] You can get depressed, you can feel scared and you can break down just like the rest of us.

I used to selfishly and stupidly tell myself I didn't need anyone. That I could get through things on my own and I would be fine. I can't tell you how much better I am now that I'm willing to lean on other. It was a process, it was a big change and it was hard. It made me feel weak. But now I know I am a lot stronger than I was without them. [She's completely sincere and open as she tells him this, something that Lydia isn't in front of everyone. But she knows when she needs to be.]

[He's belatedly reminded what it was about her that made an impact on him in the first place, even outside of mirror barge - her attitude, her aura of command. That to some extent she was someone like him, able to take command and rely on her own strength.

He would have assumed she was always like this, the way she was now, close-knit with all her little friends. Hearing that she went through her own version of the struggle he's been having, learning to let people in...it's not completely reassuring but it does satiate him somewhat.]

I'm feeling more human than I have in a long time on the inside -- while simultaneously feeling like anything but on the out. Is it any wonder I'm having struggles?

[That rhetorical bit of honest sarcasm aside, though.]

And you really think dragging me out to some teenage girl's birthday party is a thing that right now I need?

No. It would be surprising if you just smooth sailed right through it. Like I said, change is hard. The point you're at right now makes you feel lost, like you don't quite fit in with who you thought you were and who you see yourself becoming. It's not different than growing up, in a way. But just because you're a grown man, it doesn't mean you stop evolving. If you didn't feel any of this, if you weren't changing, then, in that case, you might as well be dead.

The person I was before, I focused purely on my exterior, on my looks, on what people saw in me and what I wanted to be seen as. I hid every other aspect of myself. I was what I looked like: pretty and shallow [Lydia hesitates and pulls away from the camera a little, lifting her shirt to show him the side of her stomach, the two long scars on her skin from the night she was bitten.] I know it may seem small, but I felt disfigured. And internally, the man who gave me this scar was torturing me inside my own head. I felt ugly and like I was going crazy with voices in my head at the same time and if it wasn't for Stiles, Allison and Scott, I don't think I would have ever been able to find my footing again. To find where this new version of me belonged. So don't shut everyone out, Mr. Powers.

[And that leads her to:]

Don't put down a party that will involve everyone on this ship because it's being thrown for someone younger. I do think it's what you need right now. To be around people who can help you figure out how to connect the two sides of you you're discovering. Because I don't think you or anyone else could figure all that out alone. And you don't have to.

[He stares at the scars just long enough, he thinks, to be proper. Acknowledging them and what they symbolize for her, what she went through, without making a spectacle of them. After that it's all back to her face.]

Admittedly I'm not in much place to dismiss the idea of celebrating around young people, when here I am - as you've unintentionally hinted at - a grown man needing to take life advice from someone who by comparison in years is practically a child.

[It's not a mean remark if it is said a touch stiffly; it's a tired one. Self-deprecation, again.]

It's a rough feeling, isn't it? Not knowing the right way to take loneliness anymore.

Our age doesn't disregard out life experience, Mr. Powers. As you may have noticed. [It does irritate her a little. More than a little. Because Lydia hates being underestimated and looked down upon. But because he pretty much just agreed to come to the party, she will let it go.]

It's not easy. Especially admitting to yourself that you do do better when you allow yourself to lean on someone. But it's just another part of the process.

Considering you seem to be further along in that 'process' than I, I'll have to take your word for it. [It's a little tricky, but he does his best to manage a smile. Weak albeit it may be.] Clearly this is what I get for spending my first few months stubbornly insisting I had absolutely nothing to take away from this place.

All right. I'll come, since it means so much to you. I can't promise I'll be particularly social, but I'll do my best to at least talk to a few people. Yourself included, naturally.

You just delayed the inevitable, it seems. [And since he gave in and attempted to smile at her, she offers him a smile of her own. It's much more sincere, though.]

Thank you. If you're uncomfortable with something, or if there's anything I can do to make the night easier on you, let me know.

Nothing comes to mind, but. If that changes, I'll let you know. Pretty much everyone is going to be there anyway, right?

[After all is sounded like an open invitation.]

Yep, everyone is invited and it looks like we'll get a pretty good amount of people in there. I'm sure you will have plenty of people you know.

[She's just being a good hostess, okay?]

I'm sure.

[Trying not to act too obviously reassured, in spite of the fact she was...obviously trying to reassure him.]

Oh, and...Ms. Martin? If you wouldn't mind doing me a very small favor.

Since you'll likely see him before me, if you could let Sergeant Barnes know I'll be coming back to training on Monday. I would very much appreciate it.

[No sense in doing things halfway. If he's going to be giving up on his seclusion, he might as well get back to work here as well.]

[Oh she doesn't mind his attempt to cover it up at all, since she can obviously tell it's working.

At his request, she brightens and nods, but tries not to be too enthusiastic about it so she won't embarrass him.]

I will let him know in the morning.

[She pauses and smirks, because she has to try.]

And Mr. Powers? You can call me Lydia.

[He hesitates, but. Only for maybe a second.]

Outside my usual level of formality, I was reluctant to do so from the start given the circumstances I have memory of in which you were addressed as such by...my alter.

[Mirror Barge. It's hard to remember sometimes, he didn't even know her before Mirror Barge.]

But, given by now we have our own rapport to eclipse that initial unfortunate association, I suppose I have no more good reason not to do as you ask.

Lydia.

You don't have to justify yourself, Mr. Powers. [Even if she appreciates that he does.] But I'm glad you're comfortable with it.

I'll see you at the party.

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[015. They say "you're a freak" when we're having fun.]

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