Lydia Martin screams (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
lydiascreams) wrote2015-06-05 11:38 pm
lydiascreams) wrote2015-06-05 11:38 pm
Entry tags:
[033. Keep giving me hope for a better day.]
[Video - Pack + Friends*]
(ooc: *if you could see Stiles' previous filter, you can see this, + Lydia's friends.)
[Lydia is definitely looking a lot better than she was before the port. There's a massive pile of shopping bags on her bed that she still needs to put away, but she has Prada sitting on her lap, looking very pleased with himself.]
For those of you who were worried, we're back! We managed to come back on our own just fine and we just got here a couple of hours ago.
If anyone -- Scott -- is looking for Stiles, he went to his cabin.
And Allison? [She grins brightly and shows her this picture on her phone.]
Come see me!
[Video - Anyone she offended with her previous post + Arthas]
[After greeting everyone and taking some time to unpack, she finally sits down on her chair and sends the message she's been dreading. But she knows she has to do it.]
Before the port, I did some things I'm not proud of. I wasn't in the best frame of mind and I think this is a big reason why the Admiral took away my inmate to begin with.
This break from the Barge has given me time to think and hopefully find a better way of dealing with things here, of being a better warden. If anyone would like to ask me questions about anything, or wants to clear things up with me, I'm available.
I won't try to justify the things I did before, but I want to apologize to anyone who might have been hurt or offended by my actions.
(ooc: *if you could see Stiles' previous filter, you can see this, + Lydia's friends.)
[Lydia is definitely looking a lot better than she was before the port. There's a massive pile of shopping bags on her bed that she still needs to put away, but she has Prada sitting on her lap, looking very pleased with himself.]
For those of you who were worried, we're back! We managed to come back on our own just fine and we just got here a couple of hours ago.
If anyone -- Scott -- is looking for Stiles, he went to his cabin.
And Allison? [She grins brightly and shows her this picture on her phone.]
Come see me!
[Video - Anyone she offended with her previous post + Arthas]
[After greeting everyone and taking some time to unpack, she finally sits down on her chair and sends the message she's been dreading. But she knows she has to do it.]
Before the port, I did some things I'm not proud of. I wasn't in the best frame of mind and I think this is a big reason why the Admiral took away my inmate to begin with.
This break from the Barge has given me time to think and hopefully find a better way of dealing with things here, of being a better warden. If anyone would like to ask me questions about anything, or wants to clear things up with me, I'm available.
I won't try to justify the things I did before, but I want to apologize to anyone who might have been hurt or offended by my actions.
[ Spam ]
It's that "and yet" that Dean has been hanging himself on for years now, and when she looks at him in surprise, he almost forgets to breathe for a moment. He hasn't made any secret of it. He's said it in a dozen different ways almost daily since arriving, and he doesn't know what about him now means it's gotten through.
Her question stymies him, though; not because he can't think of an answer, but because he can think of too many answers. Too much is going on, both literally and in the sense she means it, and each time he opens his mouth to answer, nothing comes out.
Closing his eyes for a moment, he reaches up with one hand, rubs roughly at one of his eyes; when he stops, just pressing there instead, he shakes his head again.]
Sometimes, you remind me of... someone. I used to know. You remind me of someone I used to know.
Sometimes.
[ Spam ]
His words make her pause, though. She knows he has -- had -- a brother, she knows Sam means a lot to him, and she knows this because the previous Dean that was there told her as much.
But she has no idea what his words mean, though. As far as she knows, he didn't really have anyone else.
Right now it seems like a good idea to keep the conversation simple and let him lead it as much as possible, though.]
Who do I remind you of?
[ Spam ]
Bobby, Ellen, Rufus, Pamela, Missouri. Lisa and Ben. Garth. Risa, Liz, Cas. It's amazing how many friends, allies, and family members there are to lose when you take them for granted, and he had. He'd always been a fool.
And then, of course, there was Jo.]
You aren't... actually that much alike. You'd think I was crazy for saying it, if you met her.
But she was prickly. Stubborn. Never willing to be left behind, always so sure she was right. She insisted she could do anything her people could do. In another life...
[He sounds a little more coherent, with a target to focus on; but more than that, there's something lurking under the rasp of the surface of his voice. Something warm, a little exasperated, a lot sad, and genuinely fond.]
...her name was Jo. She was a hunter, second generation. Determined to do it, though her... terrifying mother swore she wouldn't. Which is probably what did it, honestly.
She was fantastic.
[ Spam ]
If he asked, she'd say this Jo sounds more like Allison than like her. Being a hunter, stubborn. But she doesn't want to confuse Dean even more.]
She sounds amazing. Did you hunt together?
[ Spam ]
[He'd said it to start, that she'd think he was crazy for thinking they were anything alike; he can't see Lydia in Jo's wind-tangled hair, makeup-less face, toting a shotgun like she was born with it in her hand. He can't see Jo with Lydia's particular put-together cockiness, with her neatly coordinated wardrobe, lists and notes and organization. But.
He looks down at his hands, frowning faintly at first, more as the moments tick past. She was amazing. He can easily, readily admit that, along with the fact that she would spit in his face if she ever heard him talk about her. She should, anyway. She deserved so much better.]
She was amazing.
At the end, we - her and her mother, Ellen, were. They were on the front lines of the...
Chitaqua was their idea. Jo was... she learned fast, but she'd been kept out of it most of her life. She was tough, but she was in over her head, only it didn't matter anymore. Everyone was.
She never let me ride alone. Even when she didn't agree, she didn't - once she was there, she was there. Couldn't shake her. Couldn't make her stay home, couldn't make her stay safe, not while someone needed backup.
That's what it is. That's. You.
I see it.
[ Spam ]
And now she knows she's a part of the team, she doesn't feel like she needs to prove herself anymore. But she will do anything for them. And if it includes being a pain in the ass until they talk to her -- which she does with Allison and Stiles on a regular basis -- she'll do it. If it means having the hard conversations and being very transparent and honest, which usually happens with Scott, she will.
Here on the Barge, the list of the people she treats like she would treat pack grew a lot. There's Steve and Dean and Letty and Bucky and Vergil and a bunch of others. And no, they won't shake her off. No matter how much they try. Because she's pretty sure they would be there for her if she needed them too.]
You have that right. [Her voice is quiet when she agrees. And maybe pushing him about Christmas wasn't her best plan, but they grew past that. She's pretty sure Dean also cares about her. Even if it's because Stiles does.]
I'm not a hunter. That's Allison's job. But I'll do my best. [To be there, to talk, to listen, to trust his calls when he makes them-- unless it means leaving her behind.]
[ Spam ]
He still cares about people, cares about Stiles, and yes, Lydia, and Kira, and Scott, through Stiles but also for themselves. For where they come from and how they've suffered and where they're headed and who they are, in a way he can't explain and wouldn't try. There's no easy way to explain caring and not caring at all simultaneously. There's no way at all to explain about how, why that hurts as much as, more than, it allows him to keep getting up every morning if anything does.
Dean shakes his head, just once.] Don't need another hunter. Don't need...
Need people. Like you. Other kinds, that know how to do something else. Something besides kill. Something besides die.
Don't need another hunter. [No one should trust his calls; soon, he'll prove that beyond shadow of a reasonable doubt. It's part of why he's in the shape he's in now, undecided and tired of fighting through it, surprised to see her again, not sure yet whether it's pleasantly or not.
He tilts his head until he can see her hand on his shoulder, looking at it as though he could memorize what this is, how it feels. The hunter breathes out.]
She was amazing.
[ Spam ]
Lydia takes a deep breath and nods slightly. She understands that, probably better than he thinks. Better than she could explain to him now in the state he's in. But it's one of the reasons why she and Allison have argued so much since she got on the Barge.
Because she doesn't wanna lose her again. She doesn't want her being a hunter. She doesn't want her risking herself to protect her. Or Isaac. Or whoever she thinks she has to protect next time something happens.
When Dean looks at her hand on his shoulder and doesn't pull away, she takes it as a positive sign and gives his shoulder a gentle squeeze.]
I'm here for you, Dean. I guess you do know that now. But I'll do anything I can to help you.
And it's not just because of everything you've done for Stiles. Or all the ways how you have helped me since you got here.
I do care about you. I believe in you and I want to help you see that. [And this is the kind she is now. She learned to say things like this because Jackson would need the confidence boost before a big game or before-- anything, really. But she learned how to mean it, how to connect to people with the pack. How to truly care about people and be okay with letting them know she does.]
[ Spam ]
He shakes his head, just once, and breathes out.]
You shouldn't. [Care. Believe in. Want to help. But this isn't harsh, as he's been in the past; there isn't even really any expectation that she'll listen. It's not a warning. Just two words, just one fact, set out in the air between them to take or to leave, like something he's not coming back for. No one should. They do, but no one should.
He breathes in, deep and bracing, one hand reaching up to clumsily, heavily pat hers where she's got hold of him; then he lowers his hands to the bench to begin pushing himself up.]
But yeah. Yeah. I think I need...
I think I need to. Uh. Sleep, or. [Sleep won't happen, even like this, he knows that; he hasn't hit that wall yet, needs another small push, so.] Drink or. Something. Think I should go.