[033. Keep giving me hope for a better day.]

[lydiascreams]

[Video - Pack + Friends*]
(ooc: *if you could see Stiles' previous filter, you can see this, + Lydia's friends.)

[Lydia is definitely looking a lot better than she was before the port. There's a massive pile of shopping bags on her bed that she still needs to put away, but she has Prada sitting on her lap, looking very pleased with himself.]

For those of you who were worried, we're back! We managed to come back on our own just fine and we just got here a couple of hours ago.

If anyone -- Scott -- is looking for Stiles, he went to his cabin.

And Allison? [She grins brightly and shows her this picture on her phone.]

Come see me!



[Video - Anyone she offended with her previous post + Arthas]
[After greeting everyone and taking some time to unpack, she finally sits down on her chair and sends the message she's been dreading. But she knows she has to do it.]

Before the port, I did some things I'm not proud of. I wasn't in the best frame of mind and I think this is a big reason why the Admiral took away my inmate to begin with.

This break from the Barge has given me time to think and hopefully find a better way of dealing with things here, of being a better warden. If anyone would like to ask me questions about anything, or wants to clear things up with me, I'm available.

I won't try to justify the things I did before, but I want to apologize to anyone who might have been hurt or offended by my actions.

Comments

[lydiascreams]

They were only really affecting the people with more violent tendencies. [She catches herself trying to justify her behavior, though, so she takes a deep breath.]

Yes, those.

[omar]

And what was it they was doing to us violent offender types?

[lydiascreams]

Keeping you calmer. Stopping you from physically going after someone else.

[omar]

So you was drugging us.

[lydiascreams]

It wasn't a drug, exactly. I asked for something that would have that effect. But I guess the calming effect is similar to a drug, in a way.

[omar]

Like we animals.

[lydiascreams]

No, at least that wasn't my intention.

I don't think anyone here is an animal in that sense of the word, Omar.

[omar]

That is what you do with animals, though. Ain't it? Drug 'em. Keep 'em docile.

[lydiascreams]

On some cases, yes.

But I was thinking back to Christmas, when the Admiral gave us all sweaters that had roughly the same effect, with a little Christmas spirit added to it. I remember feeling pretty good, and I wanted others to share that experience.

[omar]

Others who might be trouble.

[lydiascreams]

Look, Omar.

I hate that we obviously started on the wrong foot here. And I am sorry about what I did.

But no matter what I tell you, you'll still turn this into something personal when it's not. I gave the candy to my best friends and my boyfriend and I ate them myself.

[omar]

[His expression doesn't change much, but something in his jaw pulses with anger as his teeth grind tighter together. He is sick of this: sick of the word games and the feigned ignorance, sick of the way the wardens cling to their own ideas of their own goodness.

The corner of his lip curls, but he doesn't bother to argue this time. He just rewinds the conversation for her benefit and replays her own voice saying:

They were only really affecting the people with more violent tendencies.]

[lydiascreams]

[She takes a deep breath and nods a little when he plays her own words back to her.]

That's still pretty general, considering where we are. And I'm still sorry you were affected the way you were.

[omar]

Anything to say on the topic of you lying on it?

[lydiascreams]

I didn't see it as lying then. But like I said, my judgement wasn't great when I said those things.

[omar]

You didn't see it as lying to flat-out tell me I was imagining things?

[lydiascreams]

Omar. [She takes a deep breath then shakes her head a little.]

I told you. I was wrong. That whole conversation we had, there's a lot I shouldn't have said to you. I don't think there's much of a point in trying to justify it when I'm flat out telling you I screwed up. [And that is hard enough for her to admit.]

[omar]

I don't want you to justify it. This right here, this what's called accountability.

[lydiascreams]

Taking accountability is exactly what this is about. I can't unsay or undo what I did. So I'm apologizing for it and promising I'll do everything I can to make sure it doesn't happen again.

[omar]

Indeed, you are.

[And he still doesn't believe her; not for a second. That she's sorry, maybe. That she's learned, no. But this at least eases the part of his soul that wants to beat against the walls of this place and shout until someone hears him.]