lydiascreams | [031. I can take so much. 'Til I've had enough.]

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[031. I can take so much. 'Til I've had enough.]

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[Lydia took a break from sitting with Stiles and Kira, watching Scott as he slowly recovers from the death toll. She took Prada for a walk, showered, then got ready to go back to Kira's. But before, she wants to throw a topic out there. It's something that has been on her mind for a while now.

And after her talk with Kira about who hurt Scott and with Steve about who hurt him, after seeing what happened to Souji. After hearing about what Arthas did, she doesn't feel like they can wait any longer.]

I know everyone is still settling back in after the port. That a lot of you are still recovering from deaths and injuries, but I want to open a subject up for discussion.

I feel like there have been a lot more deaths on the barge lately. Both from inmates and wardens. And caused by inmates and wardens. I know a while back someone brought up taking the death toll for granted, and I don't remember what led to that discussion, but I agree.

We're all taking it for granted. If we die, we think we're guaranteed to come back. What if it stops working?

But even more importantly: why are we allowing ourselves to kill each other? Why are we dealing with murder as if there were no consequences?

I understand we don't always have control over our actions, I understand floods happen and we become affected. Infected. We become other people. But they are rare occasions when we're all out of control.

There is always someone around who can see things clearly. There's always someone who can take control and stop the people who are affected from hurting each other.

My suggestion -- and I would love to hear what the Admiral has to say about this -- is for us to find a system, an emergency system, where we can cap everyone's abilities -- human or otherwise, Inmates and Wardens alike -- if they become a threat to anyone. At any given time.

And I'd like to hear opinions everyone else might have on this.

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[It probably is. And somehow it both helps that she can feel it, but it also makes it worse, because he doesn't want to influence her emotions. He also knows she's angry, too, so in this case maybe it isn't as bad.

Violence isn't the answer. He knows it, and not just because Lydia and Scott would both be upset. Because it won't solve anything long-term. It won't help the situation. It'll get him demoted. It would hurt more than it would help anyone and he wonders when he became the guy who cares about that.

Stiles exhales, because his brain is spinning with way too many thoughts.]

I'm not sure there's going to be an across the board answer for this one. People are too different. A consequence for one person might not be a big deal to another.

[It's a conversation she wants to have with him in the near future. About the outcome of this, and about the things he can't do. She doesn't think he'd go after Clementine now, he's too worried about Scott. But she's sure it's crossed his mind.

And the last thing she wants is for him to become a murderer. Because that's not who he is. As much as he feels like he's responsible for the deaths the Nogitsune caused, she knows better than everyone else that it's not on him.

But that's for face to face, later. When they can be alone and she can make sure his focus is on the right things.]

I'm fine with that. As long as one of these answers is effective for the people they need to affect. It just can't remain the way it is. Zero is a tool, not a solution.

[It's definitely crossed his mind. He wants her dead, and it scares him the amount of anger and disdain he feels toward the woman now. No matter how many times they've been attacked, hurt, broken, he still doesn't know how to better handle his own tumultuous emotions now than he ever has.

He can practically hear the nogitsune's voice in his head, chuckling and whispering how they're not so different. That the only thing that separates him from Void is that Void actually took action, and Stiles is always frozen in a place of angry indecision. Of grudge holding without generally taking any kind of vengeance.

He thinks that's not terribly inaccurate.]

I know.

[And he knows that's not solely aimed at him for keeping Dean down in Zero while Scott recovers. But he doesn't know what he's doing right now and he needs time to think. It isn't fair. It isn't right. But neither was Scott dying and Dean playing a role in it, even if it was a more passive than active role. Right now he can't tell the difference well enough to trust himself to be around his inmate.]

Hey.

[Lydia can see how he's affected by this non-conversation they're having about consequences. And so she switches the feed to private. This isn't good. He needs a break, too.

She knows he hasn't stopped since they got back. He pretty much spent the entire time in Kira's room with Scott.]

Is Kira there with Scott? Why don't you come meet me and we'll go take a walk, okay? You could use one.

Yeah. She is.

[It's actually the most time he's spent around Kira all at once. They get along very well, which he already knew, of course, but she probably could use a short break from him hovering over her boyfriend. So he takes a deep breath and nods.]

Okay. I'll see you in a few.

I'll wait for you here.

[She smiles a little at him, then disconnects the feed. She's about to get Prada ready to go on a walk, but she figures maybe Stiles wants to stay here instead. It'll be his choice.

So she just makes her way to her shelf and picks up a few books to take back to Kira's later. They could all use the distraction.]

[It only takes him a few minutes to get from Kira's cabin to hers. He doesn't bother knocking, he uses his key and lets himself in. It speaks volumes about their relationship that he feels like he can do that now. He steps inside and lets out a breath as he spots her across the room.

He reaches down and picks Prada up when he runs over wagging his tail and barking excitedly. He scratches behind the pup's ears and gently sets him down on Lydia's bed before making his way over to her and wrapping his arms around her in a hug.]

[Lydia barely has enough time to drop the books on the bed before he's wrapping his arms around her. Not that she minds.

She's glad he's there. With everything that's happening with Scott and worse, everything that happened before the port, she feels like it's been forever since they've been alone at all. They were staying at Dean's, now at Kira's. And things seem to have been happening non-stop.

So she wraps her arms tightly around him, lifting her head and brushing her nose against his.]

Is it weird to say I've missed you? [She whispers quietly.]

No. It's not weird. I've missed you, too.

[He leans his forehead against hers for a second, then dips his head and kisses her softly on the mouth, shoulders dropping. He exhales slowly before leaning in and resting his head on her shoulder, closing his eyes.]

I'm starting to hate this place.

[She sighs softly, brushing her fingers over his hair, then nods a little. She doesn't hate it completely because Allison is here. Because Scott is still alive and because she is, too. Because of what the barge will do for them in the long run.

But right now, she hates everything else about it. And honestly, in the back of her head, she's been thinking they both need a break. Allison has left the Barge before. Scott has left three times that she knows of. They've been there for a year now, they need a vacation.]

I know. [She presses her lips to his hair.]

Maybe we need a break.

[He doesn't hate it for those reasons, but for the others. For the floods and the horrible ports and the needless, senseless violence and death. He hates it for all those reasons.

But her words brings everything in his brain to a complete, screeching halt.]

W -- what?

[The violence and death definitely make the very top of her list. That's why she's pushing this conversation, after all.

When he tenses, though, she pulls back a little to look at him. She knows this is easier on her because her inmate is gone and for the time being, she's unassigned. But Dean can survive a week without him.]

Allison and Scott did it, it was good for them. [And she also knows there's probably something else that he could see as an issue.]

And of course I don't mean going home. Even if we go to our world, we can go somewhere else.

[The Allison and Scott comment takes him aback even more, but then she says she doesn't mean going home, but going somewhere else.

Oh.

That was not the kind of break he'd been assuming she meant. And he's glad he was wrong. Very glad.]

Oh. Where do you have in mind?

[His reaction isn't exactly what she's expecting, and it takes her a second to understand what the look on his face actually meant.]

Wait, Stiles. Did you think I meant an actual break?

[Because that worries her. It's not at all where they are, right.]

Between us?

[He winces and runs a hand over his face, shrugging and looking both uncomfortable and sheepish.]

Yeah, I guess that was -- what I thought you meant for a second.

[Her face falls and she shakes her head, lifting her hands to his arms.]

What made you think I'd want that?

[Because she doesn't, she needs him, he has to know that.]

[He relaxes a little at her touch, leaning in and pressing his lips against her forehead.]

Lack of sleep? Stress? My uncanny ability of jumping to the worst possible conclusion?

[He pauses, shakes his head a little.]

Nothing you did.

[Her face softens at that and she nods slightly. He does have that ability.

So she just takes a deep breath and wraps her arms around him.]

Okay. [She pulls back to look at him.]

But for the record, I wouldn't do that to you. If something was bothering me, I'd talk to you, first. And I wouldn't just make a decision like that.

[It's one of his best-honed skills.

Unfortunately it also tends to be fairly accurate. He's glad it's not in this case.]

I know. I know you wouldn't. [He presses another kiss to her forehead before he winds his arms around her.]

[She sighs softly, wrapping her arms tightly around him too. She knows he knows, but she's also okay with reminding him.]

I love you.

[He rests his head against hers and closes his eyes tightly. He knows, but he never gets tired of hearing it.]

I love you, too.

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[031. I can take so much. 'Til I've had enough.]

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