lydiascreams | [031. I can take so much. 'Til I've had enough.]

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[Lydia took a break from sitting with Stiles and Kira, watching Scott as he slowly recovers from the death toll. She took Prada for a walk, showered, then got ready to go back to Kira's. But before, she wants to throw a topic out there. It's something that has been on her mind for a while now.

And after her talk with Kira about who hurt Scott and with Steve about who hurt him, after seeing what happened to Souji. After hearing about what Arthas did, she doesn't feel like they can wait any longer.]

I know everyone is still settling back in after the port. That a lot of you are still recovering from deaths and injuries, but I want to open a subject up for discussion.

I feel like there have been a lot more deaths on the barge lately. Both from inmates and wardens. And caused by inmates and wardens. I know a while back someone brought up taking the death toll for granted, and I don't remember what led to that discussion, but I agree.

We're all taking it for granted. If we die, we think we're guaranteed to come back. What if it stops working?

But even more importantly: why are we allowing ourselves to kill each other? Why are we dealing with murder as if there were no consequences?

I understand we don't always have control over our actions, I understand floods happen and we become affected. Infected. We become other people. But they are rare occasions when we're all out of control.

There is always someone around who can see things clearly. There's always someone who can take control and stop the people who are affected from hurting each other.

My suggestion -- and I would love to hear what the Admiral has to say about this -- is for us to find a system, an emergency system, where we can cap everyone's abilities -- human or otherwise, Inmates and Wardens alike -- if they become a threat to anyone. At any given time.

And I'd like to hear opinions everyone else might have on this.

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[While she is most definitely listening to every word he has to say, she's also having a hard time allowing herself to continue this discussion when he looks like he's in pain.

Yes, this is important and she's glad he feels strongly about it enough that he's making this much an effort. But she won't push him when he's like this.]

I do understand. And I agree with you. I don't want anyone to be able to abuse it and I know it'll be easy to, which is why I don't think this is the solution.

But do you understand what I'm saying about us finding ways to change things, and stop people from freely murdering each other -- with little to no consequence -- the way they are now?

[Ben relents a little, because what he knows even if Lydia, even if no one else does, is that he is guilty of effectively allowing his inmate to murder another. He knew it would happen. He needed to deal with the aftermath, not prevent it completely.

He takes a moment to breathe, starts again more calmly but no less resolute.]

Consequence is a matter of warden accountability, for those inmates that are paired. We can prevent it, but part of the process of graduating here is have the opportunity to make poor decisions and learning not to, not being barred from being able to make them at all. That is why this prison differs from standard prisons, as I understand it.

In the case of unpaired inmates, the responsibility is meant to lie with their temporary wardens, and with all of us. This, I admit, is lacking.

What manner of consequence would you like for those that are merely out of control of themselves due to outside circumstance? Demotion? Social exile?

[She agrees with him for the most part. But.]

The responsibility of paired inmates is with their wardens. But if they're unable to be around, or if they're hurt or dead, then their inmates become everyone else's responsibility, too.

[And this is the first time she lets it slip that this conversation is more about Clementine did to Scott, than about Arthas. But she doesn't care. Both need to be talked about.]

No Demotion, no social exile. Nothing negative, not a punishment. But we need to talk to them, to open a conversation about what happened, to understand their reasons so we can help them. Especially unpaired inmates, when we have very little context about who they are and why they're acting the way they are.

[He hears the small dig of emphasis in her words, understands that it means something, but he does not immediately spring on it as others might; he is not spontaneous. He lets her finish, as much from his overall preference as present necessity.

He hesitates, then nods, just once.]

That would be beneficial, yes, although most inmates are not willing to speak, or to speak honestly. Most do not believe they require assistance, or if they do, that we are capable of giving them that assistance. Or that we are in a position to be able to do so.

That I agree with, Lydia. [It is also, in his clear opinion, not what she was talking about when he decided to speak up in the first place. At least to his understanding.]

They're not. And it's our responsibility as Wardens to work with them until they're willing to do it. Until they can trust us enough, and we can trust them to tell the truth. And not to willingly hurt us.

[It's all part of the discussion, part of the brainstorming that she wanted to start for everyone. This is about safety on the Barge. For all of them.]

I'm glad you do.

Lydia, I would like you to do me a favor, if possible.

I anticipate that it will be helpful overall, or I would not request it.

I'll do my best. [And she will, she just can't commit until she knows for sure because she wants to make sure she can deliver.]

What is it?

[He speaks again slowly, carefully, and would even if he weren't currently death tolling. It isn't a question of intelligence. It's a question of experience, in this case.]

When you consider your duty towards inmates - any inmate, your own, others, newly arrived, longterm - any inmate. Please consider the very, very likely fact that it is not inmates that we need to convince not to willingly hurt wardens.

It is, typically, the inmates that need to be convinced that wardens will not willingly hurt them. It is... not always as obvious to them as many think it should be.

[She listens to him carefully. It's not something she thought of exactly, but she did have a similar train of thought when it came to wardens hurting inmates. She was thinking about their safety, about the fact that they're supposed to be better than that, that they're supposed to help, nor harm. And maybe that was the wrong approach to begin with.]

That makes sense. I hadn't thought about that, but I promise I will from now on. Think of a way for them to trust us instead of just telling them we're here to help. [It's tricky, because some of them will need to be locked up in zero still, but there has to be a balance, right?]

Many who end up here have learned to react as they do because of where they come from. They have learned to kill before they can be killed, hurt before they can be hurt. Or, as in my case, that it is to be expected that those with authority over them will hurt them eventually and routinely, and there is nothing they can do about it except endure.

It takes time. It takes allowing themselves to learn differently. And it takes a lot of risk, patience, and vigilance on our part.

I know that. It's not about changing where they came from but giving them a chance to understand that it doesn't have to be like that anymore.

[And the thing about taking time-- she's fully aware of that, too. She went through a lot of change herself in the past couple of years and she knows it takes a while until it feels as natural as it does now. Especially when it comes to trust.]

But more than that: the chance must be accepted on their own timetable as well.

You cannot force them to understand anything, lest it become another choice they make solely for their own perceived survival. Do this, or else.

[031. I can take so much. 'Til I've had enough.]

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