lydiascreams | [017. I reveal nothing, both played fate.]

[017. I reveal nothing, both played fate.]

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[Her body is still shaking from the scream, from watching Zane kill Vergil when she wakes up in her bed. Her bed. They are back. And she almost rushes right out of her room toward the infirmary when she realizes she has a katana and a necklance in each of her hands. Her hands that are covered in blood. Both items that she retrieved from Vergil's body.

So instead, Lydia takes time to shower, to both clean herself and pull herself together. She knows from experience that, after something like that, no one needs a reminder of what happened, of how terrifying all of it was walking around the Barge. And it helps her, too.
But as she sits down to put on her make up (not bothering to cover the bruises around her neck this time, either. She survived again. Twice). But when she checks the network as she gets ready, her stomach drops again.

Allison, Mr. Powers. Both of their messages tell her something is wrong. Worse, they tell her that things aren't normal. They tell her that some people are still switched even thought they are already on the right barge.

Or maybe they she is on the wrong barge. Their rooms were the same for the most part.

So Lydia ventures her way out of her room and into the hallway slowly. The mountain ash line underneath her door tells her that she really is back in the right Barge. But then, she has plenty of werewolf enemies in the mirror barge, too. She heads toward the Infirmary to check on Vergil. And once she's done there, she makes her way straight to the seventh floor, using her key to get into Stiles' room ]

[Open Video]
[A few hours later, it's pretty clear to Lydia that this is the normal barge and that there are plenty of mirror people in there still. Which means she needs to be careful and pretend to be her mirror self for as long as possible. A couple of people already know who she really is, but she trusts Stiles, Allison and Mr. Powers not to out her.

So she puts her best glare on and starts the video. Very visible bruises on her neck both from when Jackson tried to strangle her and from the necklace that Zane used against her have already formed.

If someone she trusts contacts her, she will just switch to private and tell them the truth.]

What the hell is going on?

[ooc: Lydia is not switched. More info here.]

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I knew by then.

[She's not lying, she knew it wasn't him when she started trying to talk to him and it was useless. No matter how stubborn Jackson may be, he listens to her. He always has. Even when he pretended not to.

She stops outside his door and knocks, shutting off her communicator.]

I know you'd never hurt me. Not the real you.

[ There's no response. She could hear his ragged frantic breathing as he struggled to keep control of himself, if she listened closely enough. She would also find the door wasn't locked.

Hearing her voice, he shifted. Hands pressing over his ears. Trying to shut her out. He didn't want to discuss it. Not the real him. It made his stomach twist with something new. Something he didn't want to even consider. It was the same thing all over again. Something, someone, had forced him to become something else. He'd nearly killed people. Lydia. Erica. That kid in the woods. Only this time, he could remember it all clearly. It terrified him. ]

Jackson.

[She knocks again when he doesn't answer, but she can hear his breathing. Her stomach clenches and she reaches for the door because now she has to see him.

When she finds it unlocked, she takes a deep breath and slowly steps inside, her face falling when she sees him. She can tell he's shifted, she can tell he's not fully in control and the last thing she wants is for some kind of accident to happen. So she steps closer, but she does it slowly, carefully.]

Jackson.

Edited 2014-10-07 04:33 (UTC)

[ The lights in his room are off and he's on the floor, tucked against the wall, on the opposite side of the bed. A far cry from the arrogance he wields in public. He's shaking with the effort to keep himself in control. Given the claw marks on the walls, it took a while to get himself there.

He tightens when the light from the corridor spills into the room. But when he hears her voice, so close, his head jerks up. His face shifting involuntarily toward human, though the fangs and glowing eyes remain. He just watches her. Teeth grit together, drawing ragged breaths through them. In seeing her, he suddenly can't tell which one she is. Because he remembers there being a different one. He'd thought of her while he'd been an alpha. And for a terrifying moment, he didn't know if he could trust her. ]

[Seeing him on the floor like that breaks her heart. She keeps her movements slow, but no fangs or claws could keep her from approaching him now that she knows what she did to him.

After closing the door, she approaches him slowly and once she's close enough, she kneels beside him, but doesn't reach out to touch him just yet. Instead, she places her hands on her lap.]

Jackson. I'm so sorry. [She's sincere, her chest is tight with regret, grief and guilt. There are tears in her eyes and she doesn't even know how to begin apologizing for what she said to him.]

Edited 2014-10-08 04:33 (UTC)

[ He believed her. Without hesitation or doubt. He had no other choice, otherwise he might drown if he tried to fight it. There was too much for him to handle. He'd barely even started to come to terms with his new reality when this came crashing down on him. And now it had just shattered everything. Broken him further than he'd ever thought possible.

Looking at her, he actually let himself feel what he'd been fighting. That warmth in his chest. Like that gaping hole wasn't quite so massive anymore. Anything to combat everything else he felt. Just as hers, his eyes glistened with tears, some of them already shed, unseen in the dark. ]

I...I can't do it, Lydia.

[ His voice was weak. Desperate. He felt like he was falling apart at the seams. ]

Yes, you can.

[There are a million things he could be talking about. Controlling his werewolf powers. Getting past everything Gerard and Matt made him do as the Kanima. Being an inmate here. Making it to graduation. It doesn't matter which one he means. It doesn't matter if it's all of them.

She inches closer and lifts a hand to his arm, slowly and gently not to startle him. In case he doesn't want her touching him, he has a chance to pull away.]

But you don't have to do it alone. [She still wants to apologize to him, to explain the Arena. To tell him how she knew that Jackson wasn't really him. But that's not what he needs to hear right now. So she's doing something the old Lydia rarely did and she's pushing her own needs aside.]

[ Without thinking, without hesitation, he moved to close his hand over hers. And some of the tension slowly bled out of him. It was like the volume on everything was suddenly turned down, it he felt that maybe, just maybe, it wasn't so impossible.

Her words were almost enough to send more tears down his cheeks. He still didn't fully understand any of it. He barely grasped the Barge itself. Then there was that inexplicable five-day stint in the jungle. And he still didn't understand everything from before he'd been on the barge.

He couldn't look at her for long. Those bruises on her neck were too much of a reminder of how real those days had been. So just looked away. His hand tightening over hers. ]

[When he takes her hand, she relaxes a little. With her eyes still on him, she wraps her fingers around his and squeezes his hand gently. As he looks away, she interprets that as him not wanting to look at her because of everything she said, however, so she takes a deep breath and keeps her eyes on their hands.]

The mirror Barge and-- everything our doubles do. It can be confusing and terrifying. But the memories will fade quickly. In just a few weeks, they will feel more like a dream than real memories.

[ He didn't see how that could be possible. The memories were as sharp and crisp as any real memories. As for any dreams they might resemble? That he didn't even want to think about. His dreams of late were not things he wanted to ever remember, so the comparison only created further dread. ]

This has happened to you, before.

[ It wasn't a question, but rather just something to say as he realized what her words meant. Just how long could she have been here?! ]

Edited 2014-10-12 05:53 (UTC)

Yes. A few months ago, I was her for a few days, when the Barges collided.

[She's not even thinking about how little he knows about the time differences still. She just wants to help him understand that it will fade away, like most of the floods and breaches and ports do. As embarrassing and terrifying as things can get, they all fade away eventually.]

[ He closed his eyes, teeth grinding together. Months. Months before, he didn't even know werewolves existed. He still struggled to wrap his head around the idea that so much time could have passed for her. That she could have experienced so much. His hand tightened on hers. He still had so many questions.

Finally, he pressed his head back against the wall, eyes opening, but focused on the ceiling. Trying to find something he could hold on to. Something that made sense. And then something suddenly occurred to him. He looked a little scared, almost like he might be sick. He looked to her, worried. ]

Will everyone remember it like I do?

I don't know. It's hard to tell until-- everyone is back where they belong.

[She takes a deep breath, watching him closely as she tries to think of the best way to explain this to him. The mirrors are already complicated enough to explain, on top of the port they experienced and this mess the Barges are in right now, she doesn't want to overwhelm him even more.]

I don't think this has ever happened before. People from their Barge coming to ours. It wasn't like this the last two times they've collided. But even if they do remember, most people here understands that they aren't us.

[ There was a new sort of tension that washed over his face. It wasn't quite fear, but that was certainly part of it. A barely masked sort of dread. The way he remembered people--the way his other self did. All of the awful, twisted versions of people he'd known for so long. The way his other self remembered Lydia. He looked her over, but when he saw that bruise again, he cast his gaze back down. No, she was really her. She wouldn't be telling him this if she wasn't. ]

I thought you said it was over.

[ She'd never actually outright said that. He'd only assumed it by her words. He needed it to be over. ]

It seems to be for some people. For us. We're back to normal, but not everyone is.

[Most of the pack, most of the people he knows aren't. But considering the way he's looking at her, she doesn't know if she should bring that up yet. She notices the way he looks away and she squeezes his hand again. She knows what he's feeling, she felt that same kind of guilt after she was her other self.]

You'll need to be careful with who you talk to.

[ It went beyond guilt. At least for what he'd done to her. But he remembered enjoying it. Sure, he could push her away and hurt her on an emotional level--he'd done it before. But physically? He could never do that. But there was another layer to it. As much as he hated having done that to her, everything else he remembered--the strength and power he'd had--he wanted it. Even here and now, with a reminder of what it had done to someone he cared about it. It was like wanting the bite all over again.

He just nodded at her words. His chin rested on his arm, eyes closed. Trying to sort his head out, as if it could ever be so easy. How much of that power had been the alpha, and how much of it was being a warden? His thumb rubbed gently over Lydia's fingers, trying to stay focused. And then finally, he spoke. ]

Like who?

I don't know everyone yet. Allison, for sure.

[She doesn't want to bring Stiles up right now, and she doesn't want to mention Scott after what happened the last time she did. Not when she doesn't even know which Scott is there. And if it's the other one, then they are in trouble.]

I don't know how much you got from the other you, about the other Barge. But that place-- it's cruel, Jackson. And people who may be harmless here could be dangerous there and vice versa.

[ For a moment, he was silent, trying to sort out the memories. His other self had been as new as he was on this side. But he'd been asked to be there, rather than being yanked in. He'd known full well what he was doing, and he enjoyed it.

He opened his eyes slightly, but he didn't look t her. He instead kept his vision focused on their hands. It was another long moment before he spoke. ]

I got enough. I li--he liked what he was doing. He--

[ Mid statement, something occurred to him. It was shocking enough that his gaze suddenly jumped to her face. It wasn't so much that he'd remembered something, but he realized what hadn't been there. Then his gazed dropped again. ]

He'd never been the...

[ He trailed off, shaking his head. There was actual regret in his voice, almost longing. He'd had such a brief time to experience being a werewolf without having to deal with having been the kanima first. ]

[It takes her a moment to realize what he means. To understand he's talking about the Kanima. It's been so long for her, she doesn't think about it anymore.

And it doesn't make sense.

This Jackson. Her Jackson is a much better person than that ruthless thing she met in the arena. There was nothing there to reach for, nothing she could save.

Unlike this version of him.

She squeezes his hand and shakes her head, shifting a little closer to him.]

He's a monster, Jackson. No matter which form he has. You're not. He doesn't have the humanity you do. He doesn't have the connections you do. [To her, and despite what they may think now, to the rest of the pack.]

He was better. At everything.

[ He spoke before he fully understood what he was saying. Or what she meant. He didn't see how awful the other version had been. He only knew how much clearer he saw the world. How much more focused he was, in everything. He was cold. Ruthless. Efficient. Not bogged down by so many conflicting emotions.

As far as he could tell, that other version had never once experienced a panic attack. Or clawing, desperate loneliness. Or the suffocating terror of not being as good as he could be. He approached it all with calm clarity. No, he wasn't as good as he could be. But he knew how to overcome what stood in his way, and he would destroy it by any means necessary. ]

No. Jackson. No, he wasn't.

[She answers him immediately, without blinking. And it scares her how fiercely he says it. How much he seems to believe that's true. Because there is absolutely nothing about the other Jackson that seemed better than this one.]

He was a terrible person, Jackson. He was violent. [And she doesn't want to bring up what he did to her, how determined he seemed to actually kill her. And she has no doubt he would.]

You, you can get better. He's gone. [Lost under that rage, that monster he's become.]

[ Suddenly, he jerks away from her touch. He turns his face away from her, his jaw set. He can't summon the words to describe how very wrong she was. His other self wasn't gone. He hadn't given in to rage. He'd learned to focus it with laser-like precision. He'd turned it cold and hard and wielded it as artfully as Kira with her sword.

Jackson was already a terrible person. Intentionally. Superficially. What difference would it be if it went deeper? A price he was willing to pay to be genuinely confident, not the facade he put up. He said nothing to her. How could he? There was nothing to be said because she wouldn't understand. ]

Jackson?

[Her voice is almost a plead. She steps closer to him even though he pulls away because she knows she needs to hold on to him now. She can't lose him, she can't let him get lost in what he remembers of his other self. If she does, he might be gone, too.

She takes a step forward almost immediately and lifts a hand to his shoulder. He may not want to look at her, but touching him almost always works.]

Jackson, look at me.

[ Some of the tension faded from him at her touch. He couldn't help that, as much as he wanted to. That anger and indignation was a welcome shield against everything else. But but warm hand on his shoulder made maintaining it so very difficult. It left him exposed to what he was trying to ignore. All of those feelings of inadequacy and weakness. He'd never be enough. He'd never be like that. Determination couldn't match that sheer amount of focus.

He opened his eyes but he he didn't look at her. His teeth ground together as he struggled to hold on to his shield. If he let go, he'd fall apart. If he spoke, he'd break. He just wanted to be alone. So he could focus. And train. And work to become what he always pretended to be. ]

[The fact that she can pretty much see the tension fading away is only an encouragement. She takes another step toward him and squeezes his shoulder gently. But she knows she's not quite getting to him as much as she wants to. She doesn't miss the fact that he's not looking at her.

So she positions herself toward his side, so he'd at least see her out of the corner of his eye.]

What can I do for you? Just tell.

[017. I reveal nothing, both played fate.]

[private video]

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(Good wrap up point?)