lydiascreams | [021. We are broken, we can't fix it]

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[021. We are broken, we can't fix it]

[She watched Allison's announcement. First with a horrifying fear that she was leaving to go back home, to die. She almost interjected then. She almost told her she'd leave herself if Allison wanted to stay.

But then she explained and Lydia let it go. She could understand needing space, needing time. This is the reason why she's been sitting up on the deck by herself since their argument. Hiding, afterall.

And while she's not done with her quiet time, she'd not done thinking about everything she said to Allison, and Allison said to her, she knows she needs to reach out to the others and tell them what she knows.]

[Video - Pack, no Allison]
[Her face is pale when she starts the video, and eyes might still be red, but she's not crying anymore. Her voice is flat when she speaks, though.]

Someone needs to talk to her. Make sure this place is safe. [Lydia hesitates and takes a deep breath.]

What happened at the other Barge-- she's not thinking straight. [And Lydia apparently just made it a lot worse.]

[Video - Zane]
[She'll just get straight to the point with this one.]

What is this place you suggested for Allison?

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I trust him, too.

[Lydia sighs softly, and switches the video to private.]

I just don't want her to leave. Especially if there's even the slightest chance she could get hurt.

[She pauses and looks away, because of out everyone, Steve is probably the best person she could talk to about this. They'd discussed their best friends before and she knows that he'll get it, while still being removed enough from the situation to maybe offer some good, unbiased advice.

And sometimes, Lydia just needs to talk.]

Do you know how she died, Steve? Back home, I mean.

Edited 2014-11-20 21:58 (UTC)

Yeah, I understand. [His smile and his tone say he does - and he really, really does. He's watched Bucky leave for something he knew was dangerous, and look how that turned out. Even if it's potentially perfectly safe where she's going, Lydia's going to worry about Allison, and he won't tell her not to, even if he does believe that she's not being intentionally sent into danger or hurt.

But he has to shake his head at the question.] No. I don't.

It seemed like an awfully personal thing to ask. And I wasn't sure she'd want to talk about it.

[He kind of knows about that, a little, firsthand as well. But it's not like he's not curious. And he'd very much listen if she just wants to talk.]

[She knows he gets it. Having that conversation with Bucky during training was enough to make her understand him better. And why he needs someone like Steve in his life. They balance each other out, like Stiles and Scott. And like she is trying to do with Allison.]

She was trying to save me. She was trying to rescue me from a kidnapper. [When she speaks, there's definitely guilt and anger in her voice.]

I tried to warn them, to keep them away. I never wanted them to come for me, because I knew something was going to happen to her if they did. And now she's trying to do the same. She keeps trying to do the same and I can't watch her die again because of me. I just can't handle it, not again.

[Oh, he gets it. Does he ever get it. He lets out a breath, nodding, his mouth twisting into something that's not quite a smile - and if it was, it wouldn't have much actual humor in it. It's more just.. crazy, he thinks, and wrong, sad, that she has to understand what that feels like, too.

He never asked Bucky to take on that HYDRA goon for him, either, even though there was no way he could have stopped him. They've always had each other's backs - until they didn't.]

Lydia - I understand. I mean, not the circumstances, but... yeah. I understand. [His best friend, as far as anyone else is concerned, died and it was his fault, too.

And as far as he's concerned, his best friend has been through a hell worse than dying, and that's definitely his fault.] But you know that pushing her away isn't going to solve it. It's just going to make both of you more miserable than you should be.

Stupid, stubborn best friends like that... they're irritating. And you want to protect her, and there's nothing wrong with that. But I think you're lucky to have her, even if I don't have an answer for you. I wish I did. When people are willing to die for each other... [Someone usually ends up dying.] Dying is easy. Being left behind is the hard part.

[The only answer he could come up with was not to fight back. Was to let Bucky kill him, if it came to that, because Steve couldn't have done it, couldn't have watched it happen again.] I think you both have something here that you should treasure.

[Her eyes tear up as she listens to him. Because the way he's talking, the weight his words carry. Lydia knows it's more than common sense. She knows it's more than about him trying to comfort her.

She knows it's personal. That he speaks from experience. And it breaks her heart more. For him, for the fact that Steve knows how she feels. For Bucky, because she has no doubt he's the one who sacrificed himself for Steve. And for Allison. Because this isn't the first time she's able to draw parallels between Bucky and Allison. And apparently, it won't be the last.]

I never meant to push her away. I don't want to create some kind of argument, but I wanted to do something to snap her out of this stupid, vicious cycle of her trying to save my life! [She's crying now. And she knows how lucky she is. She never had a friend like Allison in her life before. Someone willing to do anything to protect her.

But that's the problem. She can't find another Allison. She can't replace her if she loses her again. And she doesn't want to.]

I've never felt so helpless, so lost before like I did when I lost her. When I felt her die. I want to treasure her friendship, Steve. But I can't do it, when I can't stop remembering her body on the floor. I can't stop thinking about what it felt like when she was gone.

I need her to understand that I need her here with me. Not dying for me. And I don't know how else I can get that through to her.

I know. But I know I said it before - she wouldn't be Allison if she didn't do that for you. It doesn't make it better or easier or maybe even right, but it's what she's going to do, and she might not ever stop. You might have to accept that, because she sounds about as stubborn as they come.

[Not that he knows anything about that. No, of course not.

He hates the sight of her crying; he glances down for a minute, because he's not even sure if he should keep going or not. But coddling her, telling her he's sorry, it's not really going to help. He is sorry, and he knows she knows it. But there's more that she needs to hear, and maybe it's selfish, but telling her a little of what he tells himself, every day, maybe helps to cement it for him, too.]

Yes, you can. Trust me. I know you can. You'll never forget what you saw. How you felt. [He knows that. Knows it from personal experience, from at least half of the recurring nightmares that still follow him.] But she's here now, Lydia. She's here, being exactly herself, which got you into this mess, sure, but...

Would you really, truly want to change her? [He suspects not.] You'd change the circumstances. You'd change her death, undo it. But you wouldn't change her, because she's the one who's your best friend, and you accept that, you accept her.

I think you've just got to keep at it. Keep telling her what you're telling me. That you need her here. That you've got her back, like she's got yours, and that you're not going anywhere. You don't give up on her, and she won't give up on herself.

Look - maybe I'm old-fashioned, and I know we're not best friends or anything, but... do you want some company? I'd offer you a handkerchief, but it's a little hard over the, uh, phone.

[But she can turn him down, and he won't push.]

[She gets what he's saying and the truth is that-- no. She would never want to change Allison. She's be a hypocrite to do that. Because Allison being who she is, Allison accepting Lydia despite all the things she used to be is what made Lydia become the person she is today.

And what Allison needs now is for Lydia to do the same she did for her. To be strong and overlook all the things she disagrees with until Allison is ready to accept her help. All the while giving her little nudges in the right direction.

It's what she can do. It's what Allison needs her to do.

And with Steve's words and that realization, Lydia manages to take a deep, calming breath.

It takes her a moment, before she wipes her tears away carefully with her fingertips. It's automatic for her, so she doesn't smudge her waterproof makeup.

When she looks up, she finally nods.]

Yeah. Do you wanna come up here? [She's still on the Deck. It's quiet. And maybe Steve can tell her stories about him and Bucky. And help her remember that she and Allison are gonna be okay.]

[In the end, you can't change people. And sometimes, you can't even want to change them, because they're the people they are for a reason, and they might be exactly who they need to be, and you have to respect that. But it doesn't mean you stop caring about them, or you stop trying to protect them, or that you let them give up, because that's what best friends are for. Carrying each other when they can't go any farther. And fixing their mistakes, owning up to each other, too.

Even if it means apologizing when you don't want to. Or pushing a little, too. And especially when the other doesn't want to hear it.]

Yeah - I mean, if you don't mind. [Sometimes people don't want company, and he won't encroach on that if she doesn't. But he's sort of thinking she wouldn't ask if she didn't, so...] I can be there in a minute.

I don't mind.

[Although Lydia never really had issues with talking about herself, she used to be very careful with what she said. And it was never very personal it was never anything that could possibly cause people to judge her, or see her as anything other than the perfect, popular, queen bee she used to be. But she always craved company, attention, knowing someone was there for her. And although she has gotten better about sharing since she joined the pack, it's only made that need to have her friends around stronger.]

I'll see you when you get here. [And then she disconnects the call. She'll need some time to try and organize her thoughts. And then, maybe, she can find a solution.]

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[021. We are broken, we can't fix it]

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