lydiascreams | [012. Haunting me, taking its sweet time.]

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[012. Haunting me, taking its sweet time.]

[Video -- Wardens]
[Lydia looks a little more tired than usual. Not even her makeup is able to really cover up the dark circles under her eyes. But she's still doing her best to look put together. Her hair is in a half updo and she's wearing a white and pink flower print dress.

If anyone asks, she will blame Bucky's training for her exhaustion. But it has very little to do with it.]

I don't know how many of you heard about the new inmate, Jerry Dandrige. He barely arrived and he has already spent a week in Zero. He has hurt a few people and I'm afraid he will do it again.

Those of you with more experience here, what do you suggest we do about it?

[Video -- Andrew]
[She does make a bigger effort to smile when she contacts Andrew, though.]

I've had some ideas about how to help you with the Anchor thing.

[Spam -- Stiles]
[She knows it has to be all in her head. Between her inability to sleep in the past few days, constantly seeing him out in the halls every time she turns to go somewhere. Every time she closes her eyes. She's done enough research to know it's some kind of PTSD. And she also knows that the fact that he is dead has to be throwing off her banshee senses.

But it's getting hard even for Lydia Martin to remain logical. It's only been a couple of days since it started getting really bad, but she hasn't been able to clear her mind enough to stop it. And tonight is no different.

No, if anything, tonight is even worse. She's in her cabin and she keeps feeling like he's going to just show up in there. In bed, next to her. Telling her he can't give her answers yet. Much like Peter had done. Because she's having a hard time separating the two. And she can't help but wonder what kind of power Jerry will find he has over her when he does have the confirmation she's indeed a banshee.

Trying to tell herself she's being ridiculous isn't helping. Lydia rubs her hands over her face but when she glances over, all she can do is focus on the light coming from the hallway from underneath her door. And every time someone walks past her cabin, she tenses. She doesn't even know if there really are people out there or not. She doesn't know if the shadows are all in her head. But she does feel like she's losing it yet again.

She can't just lay there anymore. She glances over at the clock and it's almost one. She has to be up in 3 hours for training and she's determined not to embarrass herself in front of Bucky or anyone else anymore, so she knows she needs to get some rest.

And she knows there's only one place where she might actually get it.

Her body is sore as she pushes herself off the bed, pausing only for a second to grab her robe and wrap it around herself. She will come back to change in the morning.

Lydia does hesitate before pulling the door open and when she does, she takes a deep breath. Then rolls her eyes at herself and steps outside. She doesn't see him at first, but eventually, just as she's about to leave the 5th floor, she glances down the hall and she swears he's there. And then, at least three more times before she reaches the door of 712. And by the time she does, she's already looking around herself, eyes wide, just waiting. Expecting him to show up and grab her. Expecting claws to dig at her side and teeth at hew neck.

She knocks quickly, standing very close to the door as she glances over one shoulder, then the other. And hopes Stiles will hurry up.]

[Spam -- Bucky]
[Lydia is angry. She's angry about a lot. About what Jerry has been doing to her. If it's really him, if it's something in her head, she doesn't know. She's angry at Allison for wanting to protect her instead of protecting herself. She's angry at the other wardens for jumping to the conclusion that killing is the only solution. And she's angry at herself for not being able to control any of these situations.

So this morning, when she shows up to training, she's completely different. She's not complaining. She's quieter than usual. And she's focuses. Very focused on everything Bucky is telling them. Even if she barely wants to look at him right now. She knows that at the very least, learning what he is teaching will give her more control. Will help her be able to help herself instead of relying on Allison or someone from the pack to save her life every time.

After training is over, she doesn't leave. She heads to one of the stations to go back to training. She knows inmates can't come in here unless they are let in, so at least she knows she's safer here than in the rest of the barge.]

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[And it shows. It shows with the other kids, too, and it's hard not to think of how some of the guys he'd trained and fought with were their age, and how quickly they'd been forced to grow up.

It's hard, watching them act like this and being glad they're capable of hanging on to their humanity, that they live in a world where it's dangerous, but at least they're not getting shot at and shelled and bombed every day, and knowing that because of that, they're all in a hell of a lot of danger here.

So his answering expression is hard and serious, almost mask like, because he's not hurt by what she's saying or doing at all. He's frustrated by it.]

Look, I don't know what you kids think Basic is supposed to be like, but if you show up with a bad attitude and expect to get away with it, you might as well stop coming. I don't care how stupid you think this is, or how much you don't want to be doing any of it, because it could save your life, and I'm gonna give you a hard time about it until you take it seriously, or you quit.

I'm being a hell of a lot easier on you than I would be if this was actually the army.

I can't stop coming. And I'm clearly taking it seriously.

[She narrows her eyes at him and she has to stop herself from crossing her arms over her chest so she doesn't look one hundred percent like a petulant child. She's frustrated, too. But not because of him. At least, not entirely. Not necessary when it comes to training. Yes, when it comes to the warden stuff he severely let her down, but she holds high standards for the people she cares about. Especially people who are pretty much part of the pack. Ones she secretly looks up to.]

But this isn't the army. I will never be a soldier. I don't want to be a soldier and the only reason I agreed to this at all is so I can stop watching my best friends risk their lives and die because of me.

I don't want to be the pack's weakest link. I don't want to need protection. But I'm realistic and I know my strengths. I'm not a soldier. I'm not like you guys. I don't have claws or super strength or the speed. I can't even use the supposed powers I do have and if this is what I have to do to be less of a weight for the others, then I'll try.

[Despite her voice shaking in a couple of points, she is proud of herself for managing to keep it mostly firm. Her eyes do tear up, though and she needs to clench her jaw to keep control. And after staring at him for a second, she looks away back at the foxhole.]

Edited 2014-09-06 03:46 (UTC)

[Bucky's expression stays more or less the same. He's listening and taking it in, and he feels for her, seriously, but he's not coddling her. There are some realities people need to hear, and he's not going to beat around the bush or just pat her on the back and tell her he's sorry she's hurting.

Maybe later, under different circumstances, but as is? He knows she's capable of being more than a bratty teenager, and so he's going to push her.]

I wasn't a soldier until a couple years ago. [It's frank, because it's true, and if there had never been a war, maybe he never would have been. He'd have found some other job, and he'd be a completely different person than the one who's crouching here right now.

Point being, he used to be normal, and now he's not. Powers or no powers.]

And I'm not trying to turn you into one. I sure as hell don't want to put any of you through what I've been through. I'm glad you don't know what it's like to be where I've been, because otherwise, a lot of good guys would've basically died for nothing. [And he would have died for nothing, although he's more concerned with the memories of other people who hadn't made it than his own fate. He's lost a lot of friends, and he's seen a lot of death, so being selfish just doesn't even really occur to him here.] I didn't enlist because I wanted to kill Nazis or Japs, but you do what you have to to keep yourself and your buddies alive, and to stop people like them from hurting people who really don't deserve it.

[He's said a version of this to her before, but he's saying it again now:] Some guys aren't gonna stop just because you ask 'em to.

[Which is why you need to get comfortable with fighting back, which is why sometimes you have to be comfortable with ending a life.]

If you don't want to be a soldier, or if you don't wanna kill people, that's fine. That's good. But if you want to help your friends, you'll stop acting like a stuck up princess and actually do the work without complaining, because I know you're capable of more than what you've been giving me. Otherwise, you would've bailed already. I've seen plenty of guys wash out of the real thing to know.

[His reaction to her isn't what she's expecting. She's not entirely sure what to do with his-- indifference, almost? She always gets reactions from people, even when she isn't doing something for attention. She's used to the pack talking her through things, but it always comes with sympathy. Because they are in everything together, they all know what the other has been through.

Her mom, and she loves her, but she much rather just tell her it will be okay, kiss the top of her head and distract her than actually talk things through. And then there is her dad, who, when she does talk to him will just take the time to accuse her of something or another. All the while reminding her just how incapable she really is and that he won't have another meltdown from her.

And that is the main reason Bucky saying she is capable makes her chest clench. She glances his way then away again. Because now more than ever, she doesn't want to appear weak.]

I haven't bailed. And I already told you I'm not going anywhere.

[Because Lydia is stronger than she looks. She survived Peter, Jennifer, she survived the Nogitsune and losing her best friend. But that doesn't mean she wants to go through any of those things again. But to her, they are more real than Bucky's war. And she wants him to understand that.]

None of us have seen wars the way you and Steve have, but we have fought our own battles and we have had casualties just like you did. Except none of us had a choice. We didn't choose to fight, we didn't choose to be a part of it. We had no training, we had no preparation, we still don't fully understand what we have been facing.

[She takes a deep breath and turns to look at him, her held up high. Because they are back on the warden subject now. And of this, she is a lot more sure of herself.]

So don't underestimate what we have seen just because it's different than what you have experienced. Don't underestimate my opinions just because you don't agree with them. I do want to learn what you're teaching here, but you could use to learn a thing or two, too.

[That, oh. That gets a little more of a reaction out of him. His eyebrows raise in a sort of disbelieving, still almost blank expression of surprise, and probably doubt, too.] Oh yeah?

[There is, of course, the possibility that she's right. He does need to learn how to better reintegrate into civilian life, he does need to figure out a way to move on, but at the same time? He died. Right now, he's never going to get to go home, he's never going to have a future, it's always going to be 1945 for him, and he thinks that would be true to some degree even if he gets his deal and figures out where the hell to go next.

The surprise melts, replaced by the same steely, calm expression as before.]

Don't act like I don't deserve to be here because I'm not sorry I've killed Nazis, and that I'm not gonna hesitate to do it again if someone like that goes after an innocent person. Don't underestimate what I've seen just because you've been through some rough shit, too, because I promise, it's worse. I know it seems like a thousand years ago to you guys, but it wasn't, and millions of people didn't have a choice in getting dragged into it. And they sure as hell didn't get training or preparation before their cities got bombed, or their families got dragged off and murdered.

[He knows numbers don't matter to people. He knows it's impossible to fully describe what it's like to be digging through rubble and find mangled bodies, to see a friend's head get blown off, to liberate prison camps.

(To be in one and watch friends die, to watch them get beaten and know you can't do much to stop it until you do and get dragged off to a lab and strapped to a table-)]

I know it's been rough, but you are so damn lucky you live when you do, because it's not the same. I've lost way too many people to just sit by and watch someone get killed, and sometimes, there's another way to stop it from happening, but a lot of times? There isn't. You don't have to make that call, but you sure as hell don't get to judge me if it's the only option I've got.

You're tougher than you look. I respect what you've been through and I respect your opinions, but I'm not the one who's underestimating anything, and me and a lot of other people died so you'd get the chance to forget about it. Don't insult us by acting like we did something wrong for doing this so you wouldn't have to.

[Lydia lets him talk. She knows his defensive rant about the importance of the war he fought has to be coming from somewhere, they are probably issues he's had before. His words are probably words he has had to tell himself over and over again to be okay with what he did.

But she's not going to hold back on him just because of what he's been through. She's not going to apologize to him and let it go. Because he needs to understand her side of it, too. And she's not letting him walk away with a completely wrong impression of who she is and what she thinks.]

You're already misinterpreting everything I said. I don't disrespect or judge what you have been through. I know plenty of what you and the other soldiers were put through. I understand the War. I understand the losses and I understand why it was necessary even if it wasn't a choice any of you had control over.

Even if all I have are books to base myself upon, stories told by other veterans and not the actual experience itself, I understand it wasn't easy.

And I would never think less of you, or anyone else who fought to protect my future. No matter what you had to do to get through it. No matter how many lives you had to take.

[He does manage to make her feel like an ungrateful brat. But she knows her points. And she knows he might be right. But so is she. In their own perspectives.]

But what you need to understand is that this isn't like that. This ship, the people on it. The choices we made to be here and the people we are here to help. They aren't Nazis, they aren't even necessarily the enemy and we are not at war with each other.

I'm not dismissing your experience, your knowledge. But I do think you might need to think things through before you apply it to a situation that is completely different than what you lived through.

[The thing is? These aren't issues he's had before. Lydia, Allison and Mickey are the first people who haven't really seemed to understand, or who don't take it seriously, or dismiss it, and he really doesn't know what to do with it. He died. He never got to go home. He never got to have kids or 4Fers or politicians tell him he did something wrong, that he was stupid for enlisting, that he should have found another way to fight and protect people, and he has no idea what to do with it.

Because Lydia might not realize it, but her acting like there's something wrong with him for saying sometimes guys like Jerry need to be stopped with force does feel like judgment and disrespect, and her saying she can even come close to understanding what it felt like makes it worse.]

No, you don't understand it. [Which again, he's glad about. He doesn't really want her to know, he doesn't want her to be in a spot where she makes the same decisions he's had to. But not wanting that and wanting to be treated with some amount of respect instead of like a bully or a monster aren't mutually exclusive.]

And yeah, you kind of are, because you're completely misinterpreting what I'm saying. You're making it sound like I wanna hunt him down like an animal or do what he's doing to you. That's not it.

If this guy goes after someone weaker than him, if he tries to hurt or kill someone, I want to know how to stop him and with a guy like this, that means hurting him and hurting him bad. Guys like him get off on making people feel scared, and cozying up to him and acting like we're taking the high road by not pushing back is just gonna give him what he wants. He's going to keep hurting people, he's gonna keep harassing you, and he's never gonna realize he needs to knock it off because he'll know he can keep getting away with it until someone stands up to him.

[He's been fighting bullies since he was a kid, and Jerry might be a vampire and a murderer, but that's still what he is: a bully.]

I know this isn't the war, and if you were listening to a damn thing I've said, you'd know that. But this isn't that different because this guy is an asshole who gets off on making people feel weak. If there's some other way to stop him before things get bad, I'm all ears, but if I catch him going after you before that happens, I'm gonna put a stake through his heart, because a guy who likes hurting teenage girls doesn't deserve to get a fucking slap on the wrist for it.

[He's pissed off, sure. But he still seems almost calm about it, even if there's still an edge to his voice that reveals how irritated he is by this whole thing. At least until he continues, and his voice is a little less hard.]

Look, you don't have to agree with me. You don't have to like me, and if you wanna keep thinking that everything's always black and white, that's your business. If you want my help so your friends don't have to get killed protecting you, I'll help, but I don't have to listen to you act like I don't understand what we're doing here, or like I'm too stupid to realize I'm not in the middle of Nazi Germany. And I sure as hell don't need to deal with you acting like me or any of the other wardens you're pissed off with make these decisions without thinking about them first.

[Once again, she listens. She doesn't like what she hears, but she listens. Because Lydia is scientific minded. She knows she needs to understand how every action and reaction works so she can understand the principle. She knows that even if she is more comfortable with black and white, the gray are is still there. And she understands that most people will see the gray before they see the extremes.

And for as much as she's trying to stick to all her logic. To what she's actually good at, Bucky's words hurt her. Because all he's seeing her as, despite saying she's capable, is the same spoiled brat that her dad has accused her so many times of being. Because of her age, because of her looks, because of her attitude the previous day. And at least, for the last one, she knows it's her fault.

But she will try just one more time to get him to see her beyond that.]

Then maybe we're both not listening properly. Because that's not what I'm saying, either.

I never said we shouldn't do something about it. I never said we should just let him go without some kind of backlash for his actions. Quite the opposite. I think if he doesn't have some kind of punishment, he will just keep doing what he is doing and people will keep on getting hurt.

But we don't have to kill him or torture him. And the main reason I'm concerned about this isn't his safety. It's what is will do to us. The people in charge of making those choices, in charge of following through with this punishment. And I don't care how many times you have done this before, I can't imagine it getting any easier.

So yes, I do have a problem with it. Especially when I saw how much it destroyed Stiles back home. How much he hurts even to this day over all of the terrible things he was forced to do when he had no control over it. I have a problem with it when my best friend is handing out death threats like candy and I know she's fully capable of following through. Because I don't want it to break her even further than everything already has.

Just because people come back here, it doesn't mean killing someone is any easier. Any lighter on the person doing it. I don't think I have to explain that to you but the more we do it, as wardens, the less we are fit for the job we are here to do. Because it breaks us too.

So I'm not judging you down, or anyone else who instantly suggested we kill him. I think you need to take a step back and see how you feel if you have to do something like that. Because you're a warden and I know you're a good guy. So I can't imagine it not hurting and destroying a part of you every time you have to.

[The thing is - and this is where it gets weird for him - he doesn't feel like that's true anymore. The first time he'd killed someone, really, honest to God killed someone and not just pointed a gun and fired, he'd felt a little sick afterward, but there hadn't been time to sit around feeling bad about it. Even when there had been, it hadn't really torn at him the way she seems to think it should have. Now, he doesn't feel much of anything about it. If you want to stay sane, you put it out of your head and keep going, because wallowing in it is going to get you or your buddies killed.

Bucky still doesn't think he's a bad person. Not really. But he doesn't feel much of anything when he kills people, and he's not sure what that says about him.

(It makes him think about nightmares where he sees and feels Zola or Schmidt reaching for his face, trying to peel back his skin to show him what they'd turned him into, but he knows he can't even blame it all on them. He'd been comfortable with killing long before they'd tried to turn him into the Red Skull Jr.)]

It hurts worse when a friend dies and you could've done something to stop it. You have to live with that, too.

[Lydia grows very quiet at his words. She looks away from him and down at her hands as she clasps them over her lap.]

I know how that feels.

[Because she failed Allison. She failed Aiden. And she could have stopped it. She doesn't entirely know why she didn't feel Aiden's death until it was happening, but Allison's? She felt it. She felt it for hours as she was held captive by the Nogitsune. Since he kidnapped her that day, she knew they couldn't come find her. She knew one of them was going to die. And the anxiety just kept building up as the voices were getting louder. And the Nogitsune kept taunting her, telling her Stiles was dying. But when the boys got there, she knew it wasn't Stiles at all.

The second she saw Scott's face, followed by Stiles' very pale one, she knew who was going to die.

And she still feels the scream, the wail as it ripped through her body. Her chest felt like someone was forcing it open and pulling her heart out. And she knows how it felt the days after. Like a part of her had died with Allison. And it had. Because she wasn't just her best friend, her sister. She was pack.]

That's why I'm here.

I'm sorry. [And he means that, it's clear in his expression and voice. It's not something he'd wish on anyone (except maybe if they're HYDRA, or Nazis, because Bucky might not normally be anything close to cruel, but in his mind, they've kind of surrendered their right to mercy a long, long time ago), and it's really not fair that these kids have been through that much, even if the rest of their lives have been pretty easy compared to what he's used to.]

I'm gonna say it again: I don't want you to get what I've been through. But at the end of the day, if I think I need to make that call, I'm making it. If there's another way to do it, great. If there isn't, there isn't.

[That's that.]

So, what do you want to do?

[Now, moving forward, whichever. Both.]

[She hears the sincerity in his voice and despite everything else, despite their different point of views, she knows Bucky means it, because yes, she does still believe he's a good guy. However misguided he might seem to her at the moment.

But she won't bring that up again. They'll just end up talking in circles and she doesn't want that. She's mentally and emotionally exhausted. Physically, she's beyond exhausted and she's already feeling the soreness in her muscles from overworking them.

So Lydia just sighs in response at first, rubbing a hand over her face before turning to look at him.]

I want to continue training. I already told you my reasons for it.

[A pause.]

If you're okay with me staying. If not, then I'll figure something else out.

[Bucky's tired, too. He hasn't been sleeping well, and while physically he feels okay, frequent nightmares are just. Exhausting. And this conversation's been exhausting, and he's not sorry it looks like it's winding down. He doesn't even give a shit that it's unlikely she'll apologize, or start getting where he's coming from a little better.]

I said I'd help, didn't I? [Even if she'd been outright obnoxious about it, he probably would have kept the offer on the table. She'd really, really have to cross a line to get him to kick her out.

And if she crossed that line, he'd like to think she wouldn't be here as a warden.]

Look, I'm gonna keep being hard on you. That's the point. If I acted like you guys were doing a great job when you screwed up, you'd never learn or take it seriously enough to do it right when you're actually in trouble. I'm doing it because I think you can handle it.

[Lydia nods at the question. She didn't really think he'd ask her to leave. Whatever their moral differences may be, she's dealt with more diverging opinions when she was with Aiden. He was violent, he was a killer and he made no apologies for the things he'd done. And yet, he died trying to prove to her he wasn't a bad guy. He died protecting Stiles of all people, who he'd not so subtly hinted he was jealous of because of his supposed feelings for her. So she knows people can change. Even if they can't admit it. And she hopes that Bucky at least thinks about everything she said.

But she's not really counting on it. She knows it's a process. And she knows the relationship she had with Aiden and how he felt about her made it easier for her to try and get him to change.

What Bucky needs, she assumes, is Steve's help.]

I don't expect you to go easy on me. I want you to be as harsh as you think is necessary. Because I know I need a lot more work than the others. [Than Allison, for example.

She watches him for a second. And no, she won't apologize because as far as she knows, she is right, but she takes a deep breath and nods. Because she can still appreciate the hard work he's putting into this training.]

So thank you.

[She's not wrong - she's not a fighter like Allison, and she's not an athlete like Scott or Stiles - and he appreciates that she's willing to be hard on herself, so long as she doesn't take it too far. The point of this whole thing isn't to totally psychologically destroy these kids, after all.]

You're welcome. [And with that behind them, he's even more willing to just drop the rest of it and move on with their day.]

Anything in particular you want to start focusing on?

[If there is one thing Lydia excels at is self-awareness to know what she is good at and what she is not. She plays to her strengths at all times, so she can seem like she's always in control. But she knows this isn't about appearances. She knows this is a lot bigger than that. Her survival will more than likely depend on it.]

Self-defense. Especially moves that don't require a lot of strength. I think that will be the most useful for me around here.

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[012. Haunting me, taking its sweet time.]

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