lydiascreams | [012. Haunting me, taking its sweet time.]

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[012. Haunting me, taking its sweet time.]

[Video -- Wardens]
[Lydia looks a little more tired than usual. Not even her makeup is able to really cover up the dark circles under her eyes. But she's still doing her best to look put together. Her hair is in a half updo and she's wearing a white and pink flower print dress.

If anyone asks, she will blame Bucky's training for her exhaustion. But it has very little to do with it.]

I don't know how many of you heard about the new inmate, Jerry Dandrige. He barely arrived and he has already spent a week in Zero. He has hurt a few people and I'm afraid he will do it again.

Those of you with more experience here, what do you suggest we do about it?

[Video -- Andrew]
[She does make a bigger effort to smile when she contacts Andrew, though.]

I've had some ideas about how to help you with the Anchor thing.

[Spam -- Stiles]
[She knows it has to be all in her head. Between her inability to sleep in the past few days, constantly seeing him out in the halls every time she turns to go somewhere. Every time she closes her eyes. She's done enough research to know it's some kind of PTSD. And she also knows that the fact that he is dead has to be throwing off her banshee senses.

But it's getting hard even for Lydia Martin to remain logical. It's only been a couple of days since it started getting really bad, but she hasn't been able to clear her mind enough to stop it. And tonight is no different.

No, if anything, tonight is even worse. She's in her cabin and she keeps feeling like he's going to just show up in there. In bed, next to her. Telling her he can't give her answers yet. Much like Peter had done. Because she's having a hard time separating the two. And she can't help but wonder what kind of power Jerry will find he has over her when he does have the confirmation she's indeed a banshee.

Trying to tell herself she's being ridiculous isn't helping. Lydia rubs her hands over her face but when she glances over, all she can do is focus on the light coming from the hallway from underneath her door. And every time someone walks past her cabin, she tenses. She doesn't even know if there really are people out there or not. She doesn't know if the shadows are all in her head. But she does feel like she's losing it yet again.

She can't just lay there anymore. She glances over at the clock and it's almost one. She has to be up in 3 hours for training and she's determined not to embarrass herself in front of Bucky or anyone else anymore, so she knows she needs to get some rest.

And she knows there's only one place where she might actually get it.

Her body is sore as she pushes herself off the bed, pausing only for a second to grab her robe and wrap it around herself. She will come back to change in the morning.

Lydia does hesitate before pulling the door open and when she does, she takes a deep breath. Then rolls her eyes at herself and steps outside. She doesn't see him at first, but eventually, just as she's about to leave the 5th floor, she glances down the hall and she swears he's there. And then, at least three more times before she reaches the door of 712. And by the time she does, she's already looking around herself, eyes wide, just waiting. Expecting him to show up and grab her. Expecting claws to dig at her side and teeth at hew neck.

She knocks quickly, standing very close to the door as she glances over one shoulder, then the other. And hopes Stiles will hurry up.]

[Spam -- Bucky]
[Lydia is angry. She's angry about a lot. About what Jerry has been doing to her. If it's really him, if it's something in her head, she doesn't know. She's angry at Allison for wanting to protect her instead of protecting herself. She's angry at the other wardens for jumping to the conclusion that killing is the only solution. And she's angry at herself for not being able to control any of these situations.

So this morning, when she shows up to training, she's completely different. She's not complaining. She's quieter than usual. And she's focuses. Very focused on everything Bucky is telling them. Even if she barely wants to look at him right now. She knows that at the very least, learning what he is teaching will give her more control. Will help her be able to help herself instead of relying on Allison or someone from the pack to save her life every time.

After training is over, she doesn't leave. She heads to one of the stations to go back to training. She knows inmates can't come in here unless they are let in, so at least she knows she's safer here than in the rest of the barge.]

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It means he'll have his confidence knocked down a little.

And I am sorry for hurting Allison. I wouldn't have if I wasn't drugged, but I'm still sorry.

He doesn't seem like the type who will actually have a problem with his confidence.

[And then she switches the feed to private.]

I know. I know it's not your fault, but most of you still need to understand that killing him repeatedly is not a solution. He's here to be redeemed. Stabbing him a few hundred times to keep him under control until he gets a warden will only make it worse.

I know.

That's why I said I would wait until he's actually hurting someone.

You're right, hurting him unprovoked won't help. But if he starts to understand that if he hurts people there will be consequences for him, that might help. He's not the most powerful around anymore. As long as he thinks he is, he won't stop doing what he wants.

I agree that he can't think he's the most powerful. He needs to understand our system and if it comes to it, I rather see him death tolling than someone who is innocent or being attacked by him.

But there has to be another way. A way of making it permanent. Like Chris suggested, turning him human.

...there might not be.

[ This is something he's had difficulty with, himself. ]

On the Barge, we could stop every bit of violence. We could put cameras everywhere and have someone watching all the time. And there could be patrols, and a lot of other things that we don't do.

But we don't. It's not our job to stop them. It's to make them stop themselves. And sometimes we just have to let it happen.

We can't take away everyone's freedom because of one rotten apple, I know.

[Lydia sighs, rubbing a hand over her temple.]

But we can't ask anyone to become a killer over and over again, even if they have killed someone before because of him. [She can't let Allison do that.]

If we can't hold him down in zero then maybe do something to his cabin.

I'm not sure you understand what I mean.

Sometimes we have to let them hurt people. Because if we stop them, it's never their decision.

This is hard. I fight with this all the time. But I think the right answer is that we can't stop anyone - just protect people.

[She hasn't considered that. And it definitely makes her uncomfortable.]

How are we supposed to decide who we let them hurt and when to stop them? If we need to protect people, doesn't that mean protect them from themselves?

Sometimes. Maybe.

But sometimes people have to destroy themselves before they can start again.

Maybe it does. Maybe that's for the permanent warden, who has all the facts to decide instead of us.

It's also hard to tell if redemption means being good while he is what he is now, or using an outside force to destroy what he is now so he can build himself better.

It wasn't so complicated for me. I came here wanting to be saved.

But I can kill him. I won't, not just for being himself, but I can make sure that if you scream I can hear it, and then I can be there.

That's why I'm saying we need to understand what he is first. Turning him human was suggested but I don't know if it'll work. Or even be enough.

Are you offering me protection, too? [Does she really look that helpless? That useless?]

...your scream sounds like it can hurt people. Can't it?

[Oh. Zane. No. Bad subject. Her jaw clenches and she stares at him.]

Supposedly. [But she can't make it hurt anyone because she has NO. CONTROL.]

Did you hear it?

I have very good hearing.

[ Supernaturally good.

But he knows he's said something wrong. He draws back slightly from the camera. ]

I won't say anything. [ Assuming that she wants it more of a secret. ]

Supernatural hearing, you mean.

[She's being sharper than before. And she almost adds a I don't care. But she does care if it gets out. She's already being seen as weak. She doesn't need people thinking she's crazy, too.]

It's one of the simplest powers that comes from being a Mistborn.

Anyway, I wasn't offering to protect you. I'm offering to protect anyone. But I can listen for you, particularly, if you want.

It's your life. Your safety. Your choice.

And what exactly is a Mistborn?

[She's wanting to focus the conversation on him. To make her feel more in control. But she's also sincerely interested. And she does become a little less sharp. At least he has a secret of his own that he's willing to share.]

I'll keep that in mind.

We draw our powers from metals. And we have a connection with the mists on my world, that's why we're called that.

What else can you do? [If you let her, she'll play 20 questions with you, Zane.]

A lot of things. I haven't figured them all out yet.

They don't work like most magics. They're about physics.

[ He has learned a LOT about physics in his time on the Barge. He likes it. ]

[Physics? A super power that works on physics. She's more than a little jealous right now. Because physics she can control, she understands, she can easily make sense of.]

So they work based on the principles of Physics? How do you figure out the range they can reach?

Training. Training every night, over and over again. That's what nobles do with Mistborn in my world. We're used as assassins, and controlled - secret weapons.

[That makes her pause and she's suddenly not do jealous anymore.]

So you were trained as an assassin? Before you got here. Did you start as an inmate?

And more than that.

It's not secret, not anymore. My father wanted to control everything, after the Lord Ruler died.

You wouldn't want to have known me when I started here.

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